Labyrinth, Boosh Style

After Vince annoys him too much with songs from the film 'Labyrinth', Howard finally yels at Vince and tells him to grow up. Vince then wishes the goblins will take him away, which results in Howard's dissappearence and a quest to defeat the goblin king. Next in my crossover stories.

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Chapter Three-The Oubilette.

Chapter Three-The Oubilette.

Vince glanced down on of the paths, a slight mist covering the rocky ground and ivy climbing up the dreary walls. He started walking slowly down, then sped up quickly for five minutes. One of the heels snapped off his boots and he fell over roots sticking out the ground five times, getting him frustrated.

“This isn’t really a labyrinth, there’s no bloody turns. Why did I make that stupid wish?” he moaned to himself, not realising there was a blue furry worm next to him on a brick sticking out the wall, wearing the cutest little red scarf.

“‘Allo” It said, startling Vince. It spoke in a slight cockney accent that he could relate too.

“Wow, a talking worm, cool. Do you know anyway through this labyrinth?”

“Me? No, I’m just a worm. Come inside and meet the missus and have some tea” The worm indicates to a hole he stood in front of.

“I can’t mate, I have to find my mate Howard. I just can’t find any openings or ways out of here” Vince said, wondering two things. One: how the hell he would get into the hole of the worm’s home and two: whether there would be cake and buscuits with the tea.

“You’re not looking properly, the place is full of openings” The worm said.

“Where are they then?” Vince asked, his child like curiousity getting to him.

“Right in front of you, now come inside and have a cup of tea” Vince just looked at him funny.

“No there isn’t, that’s just a wall in front of us” He nearly yelled annoyed.

“Just walk through it, you’ll see what I mean. Just remember never take anything for granted, things aren’t always want they seem” The goth got up and walked slowly towards the wall, his arms out in front of him. He close his eyes expecting an impact, but was shocked when he opened his eyes to see his body going through the wall.

“Hey, you were right, thanks mate” Vince walked off down another path, but was stopped by the worm “Don’t go down that way, never go down that way” Vince nodded his thanks and made his way down the other path.

“If that young lady keep going down that first path, she would have got straight to the castle” The worm said to himself, skaing his head before going into his home.

Vince kept walking, well limping because of his one heeled boot, until he could see the huge castle in the middle of the labyrinth “Don’t worry Howard, I’m coming”


Inside the castle, Howard was awakening on a large bed, in a large room. Colourful tapestries hung from the walls, lit by firey torches. A chest of drawers sat in one corner of the room, next to what looked to by an old wooden writers desk. A wardrobe was next to a window, that was letting rays of sunshine into the room, giving it an innocent look.

Howard got up and went over to the window to see where he was. Outside, the sun was lighting up the large labyrinth, making it seem it went on for miles. Below the window straight down, he could see small goblins walking around, in and out of small houses, some wearing armour. He moved away from the window to explore the rest of his room.

The door opened, making him jump. Howard turned to see a blond haired man wearing a alrge dark outift, then a memory clicked in his mind “You’re David Bowie, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m Jareth” The man said, a bit annoyed, but he covered that up with a smile “I hope you are enjoying your room and surroundings, you’ll be hear for quite awhile until your friend comes for you”

“Vince won’t come for me, not after I yelled at him like that” Howard answered back, a bit guilty.

“Really? Because I’ve meet this…Vince and I must say, he would make an excellent heir to my labyrinth. Shame that he has to be so loyal to you. He is actually here in my maze, coming to get you back” Jareth answered, a sly grin on his face.

“What, Vince? Here? For me?” Howard asked, confused. Jareth’s smile widen as he left the room, his message clear now.


Vince made his way towards what he was hoping would be the castle, but was just getting even futher away from it. Soon he was facing two doors, with twin headed dogs, hiding behind blue and red shields guarding the doors.

“Alright, I’m Vince. Who are you guys?” The dog heads just stared at him until the first one spoke “We are the keepers of these doors. One of them leads to the castle, but one of them leads to certain death”

Vince just stared at them and turned to go back the other way he came, only to find the wall closed behind him “For the love of-this isn’t fair” He yelled, annoyed.

“Better pick one of these doors then” A second dog head said, making the others laugh “But we can’t tell you which door leads to what, you have to guess this yourself”

Vince, not excatly the brightest star in the sky, turned back to them and desided to take them up “Alright then, but don’t I get a clue or something?”

“You can only ask the bottom heads, but I of them lies and one always tells the truth” Said the first head.

“Alright, you, which door is it?” Vince asked the head below the first head.

“Believe me, I always tell the truth” It answered.

“No you don’t, you always lie” Shouted the forth head

Vince was losing his patience fast and tried working it out for himself “Right so if you told the truth, then you’d answer this question. Would he say yes?”

“…Yes” The third head answered.

“Right, so then his door must lead to the castle” Vince said, working it out.

“How’d would you know that’s right?” The second head asked.

“Well, if he was telling the truth, then you would be lying and the answer would be no. But if you were telling the truth, then he’d be lying and the answer would still be no. Am I getting close?” Vince asked, getting a bit confused by his own explaination.

“I don’t know, we’ve never got it” All the heads laughed, but Vince smiled as he made his way towards the fisrt and third dog heads.

“No, I’ve got it now. This is getting more eaiser now” He opened the door and started making his way down the pathway “I must be getting smarterrr….”

He screamed as he fell down the hole that appeared under his feet, knocking past gray rocks sticking out the wall. The rocks then turned into hands and grabbed out at him, catching his arms and legs “Hey, don’t touch my hair. Get off, help!” Vince yelled.

“We are helping, we’re helping hands” The strange creatures spoke “Now up or down?”

“Better go down while I’m at it” Vince desided, screaming once more as the hands let go. He fell into a large dark pit, with the hole being covered by a door.


Jareth watched from his crystal ball as Vince got up and brushed himself down “He’s in the oubliette” The goblins around him laughed, until he raised a hand to silence them “He should have gave up by now, that dwarf had better take him back to the beginning. Then he’ll give up when he realises he has to do it all over again” He laughed as the picture faded away.