Chinese Whispers

A rumor is started, misinterpreted, and misinterpreted again until it's common knowledge in the Zooniverse that Howard and Vince are bumming. Only they're not.

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Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He was pacing his cage in a way that bordered on panic, pushing his head against the sliding door that typically lead to the larger, secluded portion of his enclosure every time he passed by. Trapped. An anxious growl rumbled from his chest as he made lap after lap, ignoring the slab of meat nailed to the handle of an old broom that Bob Fossil had thrust through the bars to entertain the small crowd.

Vince felt like that lion today, right down to the rumpled mane.

He looked away, picking a paper cup up off the ground and tossing it in his bin bag with the other bits of rubbish that had littered the ground behind him. Hearing Fossil’s jeering was enough without having to watch it too. Normally, this would not have been a Vince Noir sort of job to undertake. He was just not the normal sort of Vince Noir lately.

Trust the holidays to make one melancholy.

“Vince!” Called out an accented voice. Joey Moose was coming towards him at a jog, something glimmering silver in his hand.

“My hat!” Said a Vince, a smile brightening his face considerably. He dropped the trash and ran a hand through his hair. He’d been too un-Vince this morning to fix it properly, and while he had dozens of hats back at the hut, he’d been thoroughly uninspired.

“Yeah, just found it this morning…” Joey said, his expression contorting into something akin to pain as he held out the hat. The dome was crushed nearly as flat as the brim and there were patches here and there of sequins missing or hanging off of their frazzled little strings. He thrust the hat into Vince’s hand backed away.

Vince chewed his lip as he silently surveyed what was left of his hat, turning it over in his hands. He pushed out the dome and started to shape it back half-heartedly.

“Well. Anyway. I need to get over to the marsupial house quick smart…” Joey said, giving an uncomfortable little wave and turning to jog off again.

Vince stared down at what used to be a lovely hat. Oddly enough, he was still rather more cheerful now that he had it back. It was like losing your dog and having it come back maimed. It didn’t look the same, but it was still the same dog and you’ll love it with or without all its parts. Not everyone would see a hat like Vince did. As far as he was concerned, they had just as much personality as anyone’s pet, and all the potential to become a member of the family. Vince smoothed a section of rumpled sequins and sat down on one of the zoo benches. It had been nine days since he last saw this hat. Nine, or ten even.

At that party, Vince had gone out of his way to have at least three drinks too many. At precisely 12:18 AM, Vince realized it was Christmas day and Howard ought to know about it. Howard was great, wasn’t he? He liked Howard. Liked the way he folded his trousers. Liked the way his eyes got even smaller when he was tired. Or drunk. Howard really couldn’t hold his liquor. Vince grinned about that to himself as he jerked open one of Joey’s kitchen cabinets and smacked himself in the head with it. Cursing and clutching his forehead, he grabbed out a glass. Now, who took the vodka? Wait… Wasn’t he just going in to wish Howard a happy Christmas? Right.

Vince made his way to the back of the house and paused at the door to the guest bedroom. He turned the knob slowly and opened the door, peeking his head in. Howard was still sleeping. Vince closed the door behind him as he went in.

The mass of blankets, pulled up over Howard’s head, moved and a slender arm fell out of them to dangle over the side. Vince stared at that arm. It wasn’t Howard’s arm. He strode over to the bed and yanked the covers back. Howard sputtered in a sleepy fog, his eyelids fluttering open. Vince didn’t notice, or care. His eyes were narrowed as his grabbed a fistful of hair attached to the head of Some Skank in bed with Howard and pulled the bitch out onto the floor. There was a small, confusing scuffle involving a bit of screeching and rather a lot more hair-pulling than necessary before Vince dragged her out of the room and tossed her into the hallway, ripping off his hat and throwing it at her as she went. Howard stirred, rubbing his face.

“What jus’ happened?”

Vince was feeling panicky, realizing the irrationality of what he’d just done.

“She… had on the same top as me.” He said, stumbling over his words. “Didn’t you see?”

The answer was good enough for Howard, who didn’t know the girl in the first place, and he promptly fell back asleep. Vince felt awkward and anxious and wrong. He left for the second time that night and didn’t come back for fear that he could out-do himself in the insanity department.

Vince frowned down at his hat. He and Howard hadn’t spoken much at all since the party.


The truth of it was, Howard hadn’t spoken much at all to anyone since the party. Waking up in a strange bed with no idea where his trousers were wasn’t exactly the Christmas morning he’d expected. What’s worse was the clumsy rendition of the sprinkler dance he was greeted with anytime he ran into anyone at the zoo. Howard vaguely remembered dancing the sprinkler, but he remembered being good at it. Brilliant even.

Apparently, that wasn’t the case.

The only other thing Howard recalled from that night, however vaguely, was Vince. Howard smiled ruefully to himself as he broomed leaves off the sidewalk. Vince was probably embarrassed. Howard shouldn’t have gone. This was why Vince had tried to hide that invitation from him. He was a social mistake. A bloody embarrassment. Howard gripped the broom handle tightly. He needed to talk to Vince, to apologize and see what all he’d done.

But where was Vince?

The realization that he had no idea where his best mate was, and hadn’t known for days, was startling. Of course Vince was at the zoo; Howard had seen glimpses of him here and there and while he never saw him at their hut, his toothbrush was wet every morning. He had to be around somewhere.

“Hey, Bollo!”

Howard leaned against the bars of Bollo the gorilla’s enclosure and motioned him over.

Bollo stood and held out one arm straight in front of him, putting his other hand on the back of his head. He flailed like that a minute before pretending to get off balance and stumble backwards. He regained his footing and went back into the sprinkler before collapsing in his deep, monkey laughter.

Howard pursed his lips.

“Yep.” He said, “That’s amazingly funny.”

Bollo kept laughing, holding his sides. Howard looked away impatiently.

“Are you quite finished?” He asked.

“Almost.” Bollo said with a final ‘HAH’ before coming over to Howard’s end of the fence.

Howard narrowed his eyes, “How do you even know about that? You weren’t there.”

“Youtube.” Bollo grunted. “Now, what do you want?”

Howard’s brows knit at the suggestion that somebody taped him dancing but he shook it off, getting to the matter at hand.

“Have you seen Vince?”

“What you want with Vince? Bollo said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Just to talk to him!” Howard said, exasperated. “Now, have you seen him or not?”

Bollo paused, looking off in the distance in a thoughtful way.

“Yes.” He said.

Well?”

“If you used your tiny eyes, you would have seen him too.” Bollo said, pointing into the distance behind Howard.

Howard turned and Bollo was right. Vince was way across the courtyard, leaning on the handle of a broom as he talked with someone.

“Looks like pretty girl is chatting him up.” Said Bollo. Howard squinted and tilted his head to the side. It was a girl he was talking to.

“How do you know she’s pretty?” Howard challenged, somewhat annoyed at the suggestion.

“Only pretty girls talk to Vince.” Bollo said with finality and left Howard there staring.


Howard didn’t talk to Vince that day. He wanted to wait for that girl to leave, but she never did. Howard knew because he followed them.

The girl went with Vince to feed the meerkats. She trailed along as he gave the zebras their grain. She helped him bathe the walrus. All the while, she was casually touching his arm and laughing endearingly. The worst of all, she was pretty. Slight and blonde with cherry red lips. How did Vince do it? How did he effortlessly charm all these beautiful women? Howard resolved to wait for tomorrow.

Thing of it was, tomorrow didn’t work out either because she came back.


Vince liked Ariel. She was fashionable and she was fun. He didn’t have to know big words to talk to her, in fact it was best if he didn’t, and he had to do absolutely nothing at all to keep her attention. Today was the fourth day she’d come round the zoo and he found himself happy to see her, if for the wrong reasons. See, around mid-afternoon of the second day Ariel showed up, Howard started showing up too.

Vince knew Howard thought he was being sneaky; standing off in a corner, raking non-existent leaves and stealing glancing over his shoulder, but Vince was on to him. Howard went everywhere Vince did, he was sure of that. What he wasn’t sure of was what Howard was playing at. That was the mind-puzzle Vince was entertaining today as he loitered near the reptile house with Ariel.

Ariel was being unusual, going on about university or the news or something else dull. Anyway, Vince wasn’t interested. He was leaning against the rough brick of a zoo building with his arms folded loosely across his chest as he nodded and ‘mhm’ed along with her constant noise. Howard was predictably puttering about in the shadows a few meters away. Vince kept a near steady gaze on him. He had to be jealous; that was the only answer. Howard was hopeless with girls and Vince had a gorgeous girl coming round to see him everyday and Howard was jealous. It wouldn’t have irritated Vince half as much if his interest in Ariel wasn’t just a distraction for his interest in Howard. The longer he stood there and thought about it, the longer Howard hung around watching them, the more inexplicably furious it made Vince. He was ready to kick off the wall and storm away when a cheerful string of electronic notes jolted him out of his thoughts.

“Oh!” Ariel said, just as surprised as Vince. She retrieved her cellular from her pocket and tapped a few buttons. She frowned down at a text message before tucking the phone away.

“My Gran’s gone to hospital again. I’ve got to go…” She said. “See you around?”

“‘Course.” Vince said with a smile. “Can I have your number?” He asked on instinct. Ariel grinned and dug through her purse for a biro.

“Have you got any paper?” She asked.

Vince pulled up his sleeve and exposed a pale bit of skin.

“Just use this, it’s nearly the same shade.” He joked.

They parted ways and by the time Vince thought to look for him again, Howard was gone. Vince swore and kicked over a nearby bin, then picked it up again and apologized to the janitor trying to replace the bin bags.

Maybe he needed to go talk to Naboo.


Naboo stared blankly out his kiosk window, watching the goings on in his tiny slice of the world. When Vince came into his line of vision, he could tell straight off that something wasn’t right. He was holding himself all wrong, like he was tense but trying to mask it. It was a far cry from the casual confidence Vince generally embodied.

“Trouble at home?” Naboo asked as Vince slumped against the kiosk, his back to the shaman. He didn’t reply.

“Where’s Howard?” Naboo persisted.

“Dunno.” Vince said shortly. He sounded indifferent, but Naboo knew better.

“Listen,” Naboo said, “Stop being a twat.” Vince stiffened and turned to face Naboo irritably. “What’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing’s going on!” Vince huffed. Essentially, that was the problem. Not that he would admit it.

“You can’t tell me nothing’s going on. You’re like Shakira, Vince. Your hips don’t lie.”

Vince gave him a funny look and Naboo sighed as though Vince were a great deal more stupid than he originally thought.

“The whole time you were with that girl, your body was pointed right toward Howard. It’s unconscious body language, Vince.”

“Oh, whatever.” Vince scoffed, at the same time wondering if it was true.

“So, what is it? Did he chuck you?”

“We’re not a couple!” Vince said, “We never were.” He hastily added.

Naboo seemed to take this into deep consideration.

“But, you want to be.” He said at length.

“I don’t even…!” Vince started, but seemed to loose his momentum toward the middle. “I don’t even like blokes.” He said. It ended up coming out less powerful than he intended.

“Maybe not blokes in general.” Naboo said carefully. “But one in particular for sure.”

Vince just glared half-heartedly.

“You wouldn’t have come over here if you didn’t want my advice.” Naboo said, “And my advice is to tell him.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I could go for a punch on the nose right about now.” Vince said, skeptical.

Naboo looked at him reproachfully.

“Here. Take this.” Naboo said, holding his hand out to Vince. “It’ll help.”

Vince hesitated. “… What is it?”

“It’s a magical trinket. For courage.” He motioned his hand impatiently. “Just take it.”

Vince narrowed his eyes as he looked it over in his hand. It was a small plastic figurine of a blue mummy, laughing with its tongue sticking out.

“… Did you get this out of a Kinder Surprise egg?” He asked, scandalized.

“I may have.” Naboo said before promptly closing the kiosk’s window and vanishing from sight.

Vince shook his head and stuffed the mummy in his pocket. A lot of good that did.


Howard’s day had gone to shit right as soon as it started, it seemed. He’d spent his morning looking for Vince and accidentally ran into Fossil and Bainbridge having a private discussion. Consequently, Bainbridge shouted at him that the prairie dog habitat needed an entire rethink and that he and ‘that poncey git’ had better hop to and get it done. By the time he found Vince, the girl was with him. Of course she was. Howard didn’t know why he would have thought she might not be. Girls always came back for Vince.

So, there went his afternoon, following the pair of them around like a voyeuristic pervert for no good reason. By the time she left, he couldn’t bring himself to ask Vince to help him with the prairie dogs. Yet, that didn’t make him any less furious with Vince after the prairie dog fiasco was over.

Howard stormed into the hut, slamming the door behind him. He was covered in dirt, head to toe, and he smelled like a hard day’s work. Six out of ten fingers had a band-aide on them and he could feel bruises forming all over. What he needed to do was put on some Charlie Parker, change into some clean clothes, make a hot cup of tea and forget the day. What he did do was tear off his jacket and threw it on the floor, wiped off his face with a rag and threw it on the floor too and then on a horrible whim, he knocked his typewriter off the table.

That was a bad decision. Now his arm hurt and his typewriter was broken, a few keys having snapped off and rolled out of sight, and all he could think about was Vince.

Vince, not wanting him at that party.

Vince, never being around.

Vince, flirting with that girl.

Howard couldn’t remember ever feeling so frustrated and, to be honest, hurt.

The doorknob turned slowly and the door pushed in as Vince unluckily chose then to return home.

“And where have you been?” Howard snapped as soon as Vince took a step inside. Vince started and looked up.

“Howard?” Vince said. Lately, he’d been coming home when he was sure Howard would already be asleep. It was a shock to come home to Howard not only awake, but combative.

“You were supposed to help me rearrange the prairie dog habitat today!”

“What? Since when?” Vince said defensively. He closed the door with a snap and walked over to Howard.

“Since today, but you were conveniently nowhere to be found!”

“I was busy!”

“Yeah, I saw how busy you were. You and that girl.” Howard accused. Vince frowned.

“Are you talking about Ariel? What’s that got to to with anything?”

“Its got to do with the fact that I was getting maimed by prairie dogs while you were off on an adventure with the little mermaid!”

As Howard paced their little living room, Vince noticed his banged-up appearance.

“Look, I’m sorry Howard! I’ll get the kit.” Vince said, tersely.

“Don’t Bother. Someone’s already taken care of it.”

“Oh?” Vince said. He was slightly taken aback. He was always the only one Howard let patch up his cuts. “Who?”

“Mrs. Gideon.” Howard lied. It had actually been one of the maintenance men.

“Has she then? Good for you.” Vince said icily.

“Yeah. Guess I don’t need you around after all.” Howard said.

“Guess not.”

Vince turned to leave; they both needed to cool off. He got half through the doorway when Howard called, “Good thing, too, seeing as you’re always off with that–”

Vince stormed back into the room.

“Are we on that again? I don’t know where you get off telling me who I can be around, and when I can be around them!”

“When It’s interfering with our work, I–”

“You what? Just because you’re jealous of me doesn’t mean,–”

“I’m not jealous of you!” Howard shouted

“Then what?” Vince shouted back. “What’s wrong with you?” He tossed his hands in exasperation. “Seriously, because you’re driving me mad!”

Howard felt his nails digging into him palms as he clenched his fists, his face was purple from yelling.

“What do you want, Howard?” Vince said, still shouting.

“You! Okay?” Howard found himself bursting out. Immediately his eyes got huge and he looked away.

“… Wot?” Vince croaked stupidly.

For a moment, time seemed to slow down and three things happened all at once. The intercom buzzed to life, but neither of them could hear what Fossil said through the blood pounding in their ears. Howard, trying to back up, stumbled over his injured typewriter and fell. Vince, at a loss for words, hurried over to pull Howard upright but changed his mind on the way and straddled him instead.

Vince mashed their mouths together, burying a hand in Howard’s hair; there was no caution in his kiss. The tension that had clouded the air like an icy fog burst the second their bodies touched. The shift of energies was electric. Howard kissed back clumsy but hungry, like the dam of reservations had burst in his mind. His large, northern hands were everywhere. They mussed Vince’s hair, they ran down his back to squeeze his sides, they cautiously grazed his bum before coming back up to do it all again. Vince’s kisses were all tongue and teeth, delving into the wet heat of Howard’s mouth and pulling back to nibble his lips playfully.

Howard slid his fingers through the soft mass of Vince’s hair and tugged experimentally, something he’d always wanted to do. An unexpected sound of pleasure slipped past Vince’s lips. He tugged Howard’s bottom lip with his teeth and bit down lightly. The atmosphere was charged, but thin. Vince could feel the uncertainty Howard still held on to. The bottom half of Howard’s body was awkward and tense, and he ground their hips together in an attempt to erase the remaining unease. Howard, a hand on Vince’s face possessively holding him to the kiss, responded eagerly. He slid his other hand up under Vince’s shirt to rub circles on the warm, smooth skin he found there.

Vince pulled back, taking Howard up with him, and straddled his lap in a sitting position. Howard linked his arms around Vince’s back loosely as Vince took his kisses lower. He left a hot trail down to his neck where he paused to suck obscenely before Howard captured his lips once more. Vince’s hand stole slowly down Howard’s chest to rest on his rapidly hardening bulge. Howard gasped as he cheekily have it a squeeze.

Vince was just beginning to fiddle with the button there when the door flew open to admit a most unwelcome guest.

“Moon!” Said Dixon Bainbridge, striding into their hut like he owned the place. Technically, he did.

Howard pushed Vince off his lap, unintentionally rough, and sent him sprawling across the floor next to him. Howard tugged his shirt back to a respectable position and stood quickly. Vince stayed on the floor, folding his hands in his lap and looking away. His pale cheeks were burning.

Bainbridge looked mildly offended at the sight before him.

“Moon,” He started again, “Canoodle with your… interesting-looking girlfriend on your own time!”

Howard’s head was spinning, “Sir?” He said warily.

“Fossil’s gone and lost himself in the rhinoceroses exhibit.” Bainbridge stated. “I can’t be arsed to rescue the tit.”

“… What’s that got to do with-?” Howard started, but Bainbridge impatiently cut him off.

“I want you to go and find him, idiot!” He snapped. “And take Noir with you.” He gave his glorious mustache a stroke before turning on his heal and leaving.

Bainbridge had been gone nearly a full minute before either of them spoke. The tension had returned with a vengeance. Howard still stood with his back to Vince, facing the door.

“Look, Howard…” Vince began uncertainly.

“It was just a mistake.” Howard said, the words seeming to spill from his mouth in a jumble.

“… What?” Vince asked, a note of alarm in his voice.

“Nothing happened.” Howard said, and there was a small amount of panic staining his words.

“But, Howard–”

“Nothing happened! It was a mistake, an… an accident.” Howard said. His heart was thundering in his chest, whereas Vince’s had turned to ice.

“Fine.” Vince said stonily, his face carefully blank. “Fine. Let me know when you’re ready to go get Fossil.” He couldn’t keep the tremble out of his voice. Vince stood and left the room, quick and brooding like a traveling storm.

Howard felt like he was going to faint. What the hell just happened? He grabbed his pack off the floor and brought it to their cluttered table where he began to fill it with numb fingers. His head felt like it was going to burst. While he was regretful and ashamed, it was the heart-stopping terror that gripped him and kept him from chasing after Vince and telling him how he felt.