Chinese Whispers

Category: The Mighty Boosh

Characters: Howard Moon, Vince Noir

Pairing: Howard Moon/Vince Noir

Genre: Humour

Rating: PG-13

Status: Complete

Length: 10-20k words

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Howard sat up with a start, the magazine slipping off his lap and onto the floor. He glanced down at his cup, having sloshed a good bit of it down his front, and held it away from his body.

He shot Vince a bewildered look.

“Why-?” He began, but Vince was already talking.

“Since when have we been fucking?” Vince said, his voice a fraction too loud.

The tea slipped from Howard’s hand with a porcelain clatter and he stared.

“Right. Yeah.” Vince continued, “Since never, then? That’s what I thought too.”

Vince wasn’t expecting to be embarrassed just then. It was the way he ended up blurting out the question; like word vomit. It was also the way Howard was looking at him; like he was about to actually vomit. That pretty much did it. He could feel the heat blossoming up his neck and further, making his face feel like a glowing coal. He willed it away, knowing this wasn’t an actress’s pretty film blush. This was a spontaneous, ‘Did I just say that?’, sort of thing.

Embarrassment’s only redeeming quality at this time was that it made him forget his irrational anger over the matter. After all, it’s not as though anyone actually knew anything. It really was just a story going around.

Howard recovered quickly.

“Are you drunk?” He asked, scanning Vince’s eyes.

“I’m not!” Vince said as he sprawled out on the sofa next to Howard. He tilted his head back, resting it on the back cushion.

“Haven’t you heard what they’ve been saying all day?”

Vince certainly had. In fact, Naboo had been nowhere near the end of it.

“What who’s been saying?”

“Everyone! Everyone in the whole Zooniverse.”

Vince wished he was in a humor that would more fully appreciate his pun. As it were, he could hardly smirk.

“Well? What’re they saying?” Asked Howard, clearly not linking their entire conversation together.

Vince stared at him.

“You know.” He sat up and looked at Howard. “That we’re…” Vince waved his hand in a circular motion, as if to get the gears turning in Howard’s head. He wasn’t going to say it again. That uncomfortable blush was more than ready to return.

As Howard’s eyes widened, Vince knew someone flipped on the switch upstairs.

“Who started that!”

“Fuck if I know.”

“God, who’s heard about it?”

They were going in circles here. Vince obligingly ticked off the names on his fingers.

“Fossil, Naboo, an undetermined amount of random people,…” He wasn’t sure if he should say the last name.

“Mrs. Gideon.”

“Mrs. Gideon thinks we’re…!”

“Yeah.”

“So, she thinks I’m a…?”

“Pretty much.”

Howard visibly wilted. He rested his face in his hand dejectedly, making his cheek smoosh up to his temple.

“Brilliant.”

It was torture seeing him like this. Granted, Vince saw it pretty often. Howard was always setting himself up for some disappointment or other, but still. It didn’t make it any less sad.

“C’mon Howard.” Vince stood up, grabbing the spilled tea mug as he went and taking it to the sink. “I mean. She did seem pretty put out about it.”

“She asked about me?” Howard’s head snapped up

“Yeah!” sort of.

“And she was upset? Upset that I was with someone?”

“Of course!” Not… actually.

Vince busied himself rinsing and drying the mug so Howard couldn’t see his face as he lied.

In truth, he had spoken with Gideon

She had stopped him just after he had stormed away from Naboo. Really, an unfortunate time to catch up with him.

“Vince! Is it true? That you and your friend… Harold…?”

“Howard. And what about him?”

“I mean to say, are you… together?”

Vince didn’t know what came over him then. It was today combined with months of pent up emotion. It was the fact that Mrs. Gideon was the one who got the attention he wanted and couldn’t even remember Howard’s name. Most of all, he was feeling rather catty.

“Yes.” He’d snapped. “Got a problem?”

“No, no. Just, he is… very lucky.” She gave him little nod and went back about her business.

He pursed his lips together in a frown afterward as if afraid another lie would leap out of it’s own accord.

Now that he really thought about it, this was most definitely a problem; the fact that he and Howard were together not actually being a fact.

Vince watched Howard run anxious hands through his messy curls. If Howard ever found out he encouraged that rumor… Vince winced.

“You know, it’ll probably just blow over.” He said, but Howard didn’t reply. “People forget these kinds of things really quickly…” He added.

Nothing.

He puttered around with dishes on the counter, giving Howard his space.

“Hey, Vince…” Howard said after a moment.

“Hm?”

“I’ve got… an idea.” He said at length.

“What about?

“Mrs. Gideon thinks we’re together, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And she’s pretty jealous of you, yeah?”

“Er. Yeah.”

“So, she’s already started to realize what she’s been missing out on.”

Vince narrowed his eyes.

“Where are you going with this?”

There was a sparkle in Howard’s eyes that could only come from that mischievously high self-esteem he sometimes found himself with. Howard stood up just as Vince dropped down into a chair with his arms crossed over his chest in an unconscious defensive posture. Mrs. Gideon was definitely in Vince’s Top Five Things He Disliked Speaking With Howard About. Right after scat singing but just before Vince’s lack of appreciation for jazz in general.

Howard sighed in a self-satisfied way.

“I’m a hot commodity, Vince. It’s time I acknowledged that.” He placed his hands on his hips in a relaxed way. “Yep. Once the ladies start noticing me, there’s no holding ‘em back.”

Vince stared up at him in mild disbelief.

“Have you noticed you’ve gone mad?” he said conversationally.

“Obviously, I’m a wanted man, and Mrs. Gideon can see that now.”

“Right. What’s this ‘idea’ of yours then?”

“Just think about it, Vince. If this rumor’s got Mrs. Gideon itching for my manly visage, can you imagine what seeing it in person would do to her?”

Vince raised his eyebrows. This was sliding into dangerous territory…

“… Other than making her physically ill…?”

“Work with me here? She’d just have to see us together once, and I reckon–”

“I’m not snogging you in public for the benefit of Mrs. Gideon!” Vince interrupted. He found that he had risen out of his chair in his intensity.

Howard looked at him curiously.

“You wouldn’t have to. She’ll find us in a compromising position, get extremely jealous, and after a few days of her begging to be with me I’ll chuck you and go with her. Easy as that.”

It hurt to be so disposable.

“Absolutely not.” Vince said crossing his arms over his chest once more.

“What! Why not?” Said Howard.

“You’ll make me look gay!” Said Vince, fully aware that it sounded lame.

Howard scoffed.

“I think you’ll find you’re doing that quite well on your own, glitter-arse.”

Vince glared.

“Look. It’s just this once.” Howard pleaded. “And besides, I do all sorts of nice things for you!”

“Like what? Name one.”

“Like. Like that time in the Giraffe hut. With the Nike trainers and the spoons.”

A smile pulled at the corner of Vince’s lips.

“Still. I don’t know Howard…”

Of course Howard had won. Howard could cajole Vince into nearly anything.

Still, it wasn’t the best of situations for Vince. On the one hand, he’d be closer than he’d ever been to what he’d been thinking about for entirely too long now. On the other hand, he still couldn’t do anything even remotely similar to what he’d been thinking about doing.

Three days later, Vince was having trouble remembering to keep his hands to himself. It seemed that every thirty minutes Howard was tugging them into a doorway or against a wall at the click-clack of approaching heels. He’d pull Vince flush to his body, going “Hold on… any minute now… be ready for it…”, but it had yet to be Mrs. Gideon who stumbled across their clumsy little display. Possibly the worst shock of all had been when Bob Fossil walked into their trap, in pink pumps and a sun hat, to find what looked to be a happy couple… hugging awkwardly. They’d been smartly told off, though it didn’t really have the impact it would have if Fossil hadn’t had lipstick on his teeth.

As far as Vince was concerned, Mrs. Gideon would never believe their charade were she to happen upon them. Howard was too jumpy and weird. They didn’t look like lovers stealing a kiss so much as they did a father and son meeting for the first time as strangers. Howard was generally stoic and wary while Vince waited in his arms, tortuously pressed against him like Sellotape, hoping that it wasn’t Gideon round the corner just yet.

Everything changed on the fourth day.

“New plan.” Said Howard when they pealed themselves apart after another false alarm.

“We need to think this through a bit better.”

“You think so?” Asked Vince, adjusting his hat which had been knocked off kilter by Howard’s rush to appear nonchalantly playing tonsil hockey.

Howard chewed on his his bottom lip, obviously deep in scheming thought.

“Tonight,” he said “Mrs. Gideon will be leaving the reptile house round 7, yeah? So we need to be there waiting for her. Then, when she comes out, I’ll greet her, and act surprised.”

“Are you joking? It’s Saturday night, Howard! I’ve got plans, haven’t I?”

“You said you’d help me! It’s a sure thing this time!”

“Howard.” Vince rolled his eyes. “Even if she did see us this time, there’s no way she’d think we were going at it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you seen yourself? It’s like I’m hugging a statue. You’re stock still with your eyes all squinty, looking out for people. It’s not at all realistic.”

“It’s called acting. I’m watching out for people so I can act properly surprised.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, your acting needs work.”

Howard looked skeptical.

“You think you can do better? You think your acting’s superior to mine? That you can make it realistic?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Prove it then. Meet me outside the reptile house. 6:45. Be there. Or be square.”

Vince rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I will.”

He’d make it realistic alright. Vince’s heart gave an anxious little flutter.

It was late in the year and the sun was setting earlier and earlier. It was nearly dark already as Vince arrived at the reptile house, his breath ghosting out in front of him in the cold. Howard was there already, waiting against the wall and not looking so relaxed as he was trying to.

“Showed up, did you?” Howard said, nodding to Vince in greeting. He was still wearing his uniform khakis and green zoo jacket. Vince had changed into something more distinctly his style; dark jeans and a top that may as well have been painted on with a fitted leather jacket. He chose to forgo a hat as it would get in the way.

Vince didn’t reply. He stood in front of Howard, hands on his hips cockily.

“You ready for this, Moon?”

“What, now?” Howard pulled up his sleeve to glance at his watch. “We’ve still got ten minutes…”

“You want realism? You gotta slide into it. Paint the picture.” Vince took a step forward and Howard a step back, pressing himself right against the wall.

Vince sighed, “Look, if you’re not good at acting it’s fine. We can do it your way and hope for the best.”

“Keep your shirt on, yeah?” Howard said, rising to the bait, “I just need a minute to get into the groove, alright?”

Vince grinned, he couldn’t believe his luck. Obviously he couldn’t take this too far, but he was still going to enjoy what he got.

“You prepared?” Vince said after a moment and Howard nodded once.

Vince tugged Howard’s zip down slowly and slid a trembling hand, the only outward sign of his sudden nerves, into the open jacket. He looked up at Howard, who was curiously staring straight ahead.

“Howard. Lick your lips.” Vince said quietly. “And chew them a little… There. Now you look a bit kissed.”

Vince pressed in close, worming a leg in between Howard’s and sliding his other hand up to bury in Howard’s unruly hair. He licked his own lips absently as he pulled Howard’s head gently to the side and pressed a hot kiss to the spot just under the taller man’s jaw.

Howard cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably.

“What, ah, what’re you doing?” he asked as Vince kissed him again, just to the side of the first.

“Acting, Howard.” Vince said. He rubbed his hand up and down Howard’s chest, and then up again to pull the collar of his shirt down with a finger. He gave the collarbone a wet kiss, his slight pink tongue darting out daringly. He paused a moment, letting his warm breath linger over the exposed skin.

“Put your hands on me.” He instructed and Howard complied, mechanically moving them to Vince’s sides.

“Not like that…” Vince took his hand away from Howard’s hair and placed it over Howard’s own, sliding it up around his back. On a whim, he impishly moved Howard’s other hand down to his bum. Howard awkwardly cleared his throat again, and opened his mouth as if to speak.

“Acting.” Vince supplied before delicately licking a hot line up Howard’s neck to his ear, where he nibbled the lobe playfully. Howard sucked in a breath and unconsciously tightened his hold around Vince.

Howard had stopped staring blankly ahead. His head fell forward slightly as Vince continued to paint his neck with kisses. Something odd was happening. Vince had suspected the typical Statue-Howard to remain and endure his ‘acting’ while he watching for any sign of people. As it was, Howard was breathing faster than a statue should, his breath coming out in little puffs of smoke in the chill air. His hands began to twitch now and again and the one on Vince’s back had migrated up under his hair.

Howard’s hips also began to twitch, almost imperceptibly.

Vince stopped and glanced over at Howard’s face. His eyes were open but unfocused, looking at the ground. Vince slid a hand up to Howard’s neck, and after a moment he cradled his cheek. Vince licked his lips again in a second of indecision. He hadn’t meant to go this far.

Making up his mind, he tilted Howard’s face toward his and covered his mouth with his own. Vince’s eyes slipped closed as his tongue teased Howard’s lips into parting for him and deepened their contact. Howard pulled Vince as close as he could, having lost his sensible mind, and let himself be kissed. The velvet heat of their mouths, working to form a rhythm, was a pleasant contrast to the cold.

Vince distantly heard the sound of a door opening a closing and the ‘click-clack’ of heels on pavement. He sighed mentally and moved to pull away, but Howard was unmoving. They kissed a minute longer until it seemed that reality hit Howard square in the face. His arms fell away from Vince’s body like he were on fire and he jerked his face away like a startled horse. Vince nearly toppled over from the surprise. His eyes were hard to focus and his lips were slightly swollen from the night’s activities.

Howard looked no less dazed.

“… You forgot to call out to Gideon.” Vince said, chewing his lip absently.

“Yeah. Shit.”

Howard looked unsettled. Possibly at the fact that he’d just been snogging his best mate and enjoying it rather too much. Or enjoying it at all for that matter.

“There’s always next time…?” Vince said, looking away anxiously.

“Yeah. I suppose there is.” Howard stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I’ve uh. I should be going.”

“Yeah. I’ve got places to be.”

“Right.”

And with that Howard left, feeling chilled at the absence of Vince’s body against his own.

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