Booshdust

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Stardust/Mighty Boosh crossover. Howard Thorn wishes to impress Victoria Gideon by going beyound their village wall to find a fallen star in a new magical world.

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Chapter Two-Love, Hate and Family Fueds

Contents

Chapter Two-Love, Hate and Family Fueds

Narrator: Eighteen years came and went, and Howard grew up knowing nothing of his strange heritage.
The door of Tommy’s house opened and Howard Thorn walks out. He has small brown eyes, with short brown hair and a small moustace, but with none of his father’s looks (thank god!).
Tommy: Don’t forget the flowers.
Howard: Yes, I’ve got them.
Howard walks off down the path towards another house.
Narrator: But never mind how the he became a boy. This is the story of how Howard Thorn becomes a man and how he achieved the heart of his one true love.
Howard, holding his small bouquet of simple flowers, fiddles with his clothes, then takes a pebble from the ground and throws it at a window. Inside, Victoria Gideon and two other girls, Neon and Ultra are in their nightgowns. At the sound, they gasp and rush to the window and open it.
Gideon: Joey!
Howard stands awkwardly below.
Howard: No, it-it’s me, Howard.
Gideon: Oh. Did I leave something at the shop again?
Howard: No, actually, I brought you some-
His speech is cut off when his flowers are whipped out of his hands by a cane – Joey Moose has arrived, dressed poshly with bought roses and a smug expression.
Joey: Well, well, Howard Thorn. Shop boy by day, peeping tom by night. Is there no end to your talents? (looks at the flowers) Ah, were those for Victoria then?
He forcefully pokes Howard in the chest with his cane.
Howard: Ow!
Gideon: Joey, be nice to the poor boy.
Howard looks up towards Victoria’s window in disbelief, then grabs a stick and stands ready to fence with Joey. He easily parries, knocks Howard in the chest and sweeps his feet out from under him.
Joey: You were always useless at fencing in school, Howard.
He smirks and strolls off. Victoria looks to Howard.
Gideon: Are you all right?
Howard: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.
The girls giggle and Victoria shuts the window, making Howard walk home rejected.
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The next morning, Tommy is at his kitchen table. He pulls out his pocketwatch and checks the time, as Howard hurries down the stairs, tying his necktie.
Tommy: Want some breakfast?
Howard: No, I’m really late for work.
Tommy: You all right?
Howard: Yeah, fine. Why?
Tommy: Oh, I don’t know. So last night, how’d it go?
Howard: Oh. R-really good. Really, really good.
Howard vanishes out the door to his job at the local shop. A little later, Victoria walks down the street, parasol in her hand, heading for the shop – Tony Harrison & Sons. She walks in and Howard is working behind the counter. Victoria walks in, passing a long line of people, stopping beside the woman he was serving, interrupting.
Gideon: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Victoria-
Gideon: A pound of sugar, please.
Howard: Uh, yes.
Gideon: Let’s see, a bag of flour, a dozen eggs. I’m sorry about last night, Joey was really rude. I also need a sack of potatoes and some chocolate, please.
Victoria smiles overly sweetly at the grumpy old woman whose place she took. Howard is rushing around to gather her things.
Howard: May I see you tonight?
Gideon: No, but you can walk me home.
Howard: What, now?
Gideon: Mmhmm.
Howard hurridly gathers the groceries.
Howard: Yes, yes.
He hurries out after her. Behind them, Tony Harrison is frowning.
Back at the Thorn house, Howard is talking to his reflection in a metal pan.
Howard: Dad, I’ve lost my job. Father… I lost my job. I’m sorry. Dad-
Tommy: You lost your job. Yes, so I heard.
He is standing at the door, just arrived.
Howard: I’m sorry. Maybe Tony Harrison is right and maybe I am deluding myself. I’m not good enough for Victoria.
Tommy: He said that? Bullshit.
Howard (sighing): You really want to know how it went last night? Not good. Come on, I’m wasting my time. I’m not like Joey.
Tommy: Howard, I can tell you every man I ever envied when I was a boy has led an crap life. Now, I’d take that as a very good sign.
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Evening came and Howard is once again below Victoria’s window. He throws a pebble and hits the window, she looks out and is not pleased.
Gideon: Howard, I told you not-
Howard: I know, you told me not to come. I have a surprise for you.
Victoria groans and closes the window. Howard sighs and begins to walk off, but then Victoria appears at the door and joins him, putting her arm through his. He smiles at her.
Gideon: It’s not my birthday for another week, you know.
Howard has prepared an elaborate picnic in the field next to the wall, complete with candles in the trees, champagne, cake, grapes and so on.
Gideon: I’ve never had champagne before.
Howard: Me neither.
Gideon: This is really good!
She takes another sip, looks around and frowns.
Gideon: This must have been all your savings! A shop boy like you.
Howard: I’m not a shop boy anymore.
Gideon: Oh, I heard, I’m sorry.
Howard: No, I mean I’m not a shop boy. I was just working in a shop for the time being. I never intended to stay in Wall, Victoria. There’s a big world out there to see.
Gideon: You sound like Joey. He’s quite the traveller, in fact he’s going to Ipswich to get me a ring.
Howard: Ipswich? Victoria, I’m talking about London, Paris-Hang on, a ring? What for?
Gideon: Rumour is he’s planning to propose to me on my birthday.
Howard (shocked): Propose? And you’re going to say yes?
Gideon: Well, I can’t say no after he’s done that.
Howard: Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I’d cross oceans!
She smiles and takes another sip.
Howard: I’d go to the golden fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold.
They’re leaning in to kiss.
Howard: I’d go to the Arctic and… slaughter a polar bear and bring you back it’s head…
Victoria, who has been amused by this, suddenly pulls back.
Gideon: A polar bear’s head?
Howard looks ashamed.
Gideon: I should probably go.
Howard: Let’s finish the champagne first
Narrator: If Howard had known that the stars watched, he would have been horrified at the idea of an audience to his humiliation. At that time, every star was watching the king of Stormhold on his deathbed. This was ironic, as it was the king’s final act that would change the course of Tristan’s destiny.
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The Stormhold was carved out of the peak of Mount Huon by the first lord of Stormhold. It was perched high in the sky, where the thunder clouds gathered before they went down to the lower air, spilling rain and lightening upon the land below. The eighty-first lord of Stormlord, Bryan Ferry lay dying in his chamber, summoning his children to his bedside.
Bryan: Of my seven sons, only three of you are still here to see me off. This is a break in trandition boys.
The ghosts of his four dead sons floated behind his deathbed. The Betamax Bandit-who died from freezing to death, Kodiak Jack-died from being burnt to death, Lester Corncrake-who died from a axe to the head and the Ape of Death-pushed off a cliff
The four sons that still lived were Bainbridge, the Hitcher and Spider. They stood waiting patiently for the news they’ve all been waiting for.
Byran: Now for the matter of sucession (to Fossil) Where is your sister, Monkey?
Fossil: I dunno, we haven’t seen her in years.
Bryan: Bainbridge, the throne of Stormhold can only be passed to a male heir.
Bainbridge: So why would I have to kill my sister before I kill these ballbags?
Bryan: Bainbridge, go over to the window and tell me what you see.
He walks over to the large window overlooking the land.
Bainbridge: I see nothing but the stars and the land below, father man.
Bryan: Hitcher, you go to the window now.
Hitcher: Like the geezer said, father. Just the land and clouds below and the stars above.
Bryan: Spider. Window. Now.
Spider: I see a star, man.
Bryan (smiling): Bring me closer to the window.
The sons carry their father to a comfy seat next to the window. Bryan then held up a ruby necklace from around his neck and the red disappeared from the jewel, it floated up before flying off into the starry sky, where it vanished with the other stars.
Bryan: We’ll deal with this sucession a different way. Whoever brings back the stone with the colour back inside it, which holds the power of Stormhold, will become the next lord.
The brothers, both living and dead, watch as their father took his last breath, then turned back to the window the see a large, bright star fall from the skies to the ground, knowing that the necklace was somehow responsible for it.
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Back at Wall, Howard and Victoria also saw the star fall.
Gideon: Oh look, a falling star.
Howard: For your hand in marriage, I will happily get you that star.
Gideon: Alright then, if you get me that star before my birthday, I’ll marry you instead of Joey
Howard: Do you mean it?
Gideon (smiling): Of course.
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Back at Stormhold, the star continues to fall as Saboo watched, his dark eyes watching its path like an eagle, before he slips back into the large home he shared with his sisters.
Saboo: Antrax, Ebola, wake up.
Antrax/Ebola: What is it?
Saboo: A star has fallen.
The sisters get up excitedly as Saboo goes to a cabinet, finding it empty.
Saboo: Where are all the Babylon candles?
Antrax: You used the last one 200 years ago, remember?
Ebola: Maybe we could get another one?
Saboo: You speak as if they were freely found, one of the most rarest things in the land? Besides, there could already be another witch after it already.
The three aged and wrinkled witches brought out a ferret from one of the many cages of animals they owned and coldly sliced the animal open, checking its entrails.
Antrax: It fell a hundred miles from here, but who will go and fetch it?
They all reached in the animal’s body, Saboo taking a sneaky look for the organ he really wanted and they each take one out.
Antrax: I have its liver
Ebola: I have its stomach.
Saboo (smugly): and I have its heart.
His sisters are displeased, but accept it. They bring over a small box with a bright light inside, a star.
Ebola: You’ll be needing some youth then, be careful there’s not much left.
Saboo snatches whatever it is inside and facing a mirror, he lifts it to his mouth and pushes in the star that shines with a clear blue light. The effect is immediate, his skin tightens and brightens, and in moments, he is young and healthy once more. He turns around to face his sisters, who nod approvingly but with envy. Saboo throws off his robe and smirks, enjoying his youth, while the sisters roll their eyes. He looks back at the mirror and admires himself, before dressing in cleaner clothes.
Saboo: Do not worry, my sisters. When I return with the heart of the star, we shall enough youth that will last us for years.
He picks up a wicked looking dagger before walking out of the house, a purpose in mind.
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The star continues to fall, lower and lower before it smashes into the forest below, making a large carter. When the dust and light dies down, a pale form of a young man with black hair and wearing silver robes is lying in the carter, clearly in pain.