Through the Haze

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What is it that Noel and Julian feel for each other? They can’t quite figure that out, or what they should do about it. These two have a long way to go together.

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Chapter Five

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Chapter Five

Author’s Notes: The entire time I was writing this chapter, I had Set The Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol on repeat. It really inspired the whole chapter!

A long month passed. Noel and Julian threw themselves into writing for the Boosh, barely ever sleeping. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to find Noel sitting atop the kitchen counter, surrounded with Chinese food cartons, pizza boxes, or packages of sweets, motioning enthusiastically with his hands. Julian would often sit on the trunk. They’d yell across the flat at each other, springing to their feet at random over ideas. It seemed like the flat was never silent. If they weren’t chattering away, Julian was sitting on the couch playing his guitar, Noel perched on the arm talking over it.

They’d talk until their throats were sore, and then take turns choosing CDs to play on Julian’s stereo, lying on the carpet, or the hardwood. Julian often found himself on the windowsill, playing with the red curtains Noel had gotten for him as his eyes drifted shut. They got a lot of noise complaints from neighbors that month.

Their chests burned, satisfied with each other’s company and screaming to be closer at the same time. Julian lived for those mornings he’d wake up to see those gaudy curtains hanging above him. He’d look over to find Noel passed out wherever he’d landed, hearing the last CD they’d put on repeating over again. He’d make an effort at cleaning up the cluttered counter, giving up when he realized they’d scribbled things down on a pizza box again.

Noel would wake up to a fresh mug of tea sitting beside him on the floor, glancing around to smile up at Julian. If he wasn’t in sight he’d just grin like an idiot as he brought the mug to his lips. But then there were those moments when they were apart. Julian would run up to the store for cigarettes, or Noel would go out to get them food, and it would all catch up to them. Noel would break into a panic attack in the middle of the store and sprint for the bathroom to fall apart. At that same moment, Julian would be back at the flat, running his fingers over the curtains or chain smoking in his spot on the side of the building.

One night, Julian was standing in the kitchen making tea, Noel balanced on the counter, as rain began to pound at the windows. Julian was talking as Noel’s mind wandered back to the dream he’d had so many nights ago. He stared down at his mismatched socks, his mind far away. He wondered how long this cycle would last, what would break it, what had the potential to drive them their separate directions. “…but that wouldn’t make much sense, would it?” Julian asked, facing Noel and handing him a package of Teacakes.

“What?” Noel jerked his head up, taking the box.

“Have you been listening?” Julian asked, resting a hand on his hip.

“Oh,” Noel nodded, “yeah. Hey Ju?”

“Mmm?” Julian responded, leaning against the counter, a Chinese food carton in hand.

“Why don’t we go out tonight?” Noel hadn’t thought it through but, as it hung in the air, he liked the sound of it.

Julian considered for a moment, his brow furrowed. “Oh. I don’t know,” he said, looking to the floor. “You want to?”

“Yeah!” Noel grinned. “It’ll be fun. We’ve been shut up in here for an eternity.”

Julian, feeling uncertain, looked up into Noel’s eyes. That was all the convincing he needed.

An hour later, Julian was getting drinks for them at the bar of a club. He turned around, finding a bunch of bodies that weren’t Noel’s and sighed, annoyed. He found an empty table and set their drinks down, waiting for Noel to return.

Noel had gotten distracted when he’d seen an old friend. He’d wandered across the club to talk to her for awhile, finding himself alone when she got tugged away by a group of friends. He glanced around for Julian now, remembering their drinks. He searched for his dark hair and the bright green shirt he was wearing, squeezing through the bodies that surrounded him. After a few minutes of no luck, he felt that edge coming closer. That edge that meant he’d start into a panic attack soon. He rested against a column, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He took a deep breath and counted to ten, something he’d learned to do this passed month.

He looked back up, taking a slow sweep of the people around him. Near the far wall, he found a head of dark hair, the backside of a green shirt, and his heart leapt. He pushed off from the column and started over, realizing half way there that he was talking to an unfamiliar dark haired woman. His breath caught in his throat. He stood frozen, watching as she laughed at something he said. His stomach twisted, his palms beginning to feel clammy.

No. No, this wasn’t going to happen. No. “No,” Noel said to himself. And then he was marching over, willingly handing himself over to his reflexes to do as they pleased. He was there in less time than he thought it’d take him. He grabbed Julian’s left arm, whipping him around and planting his lips to his.

It didn’t taste right. Had Julian’s taste changed in a month’s time? Could that happen? No, Noel knew his scent and this wasn’t right. He felt a set of palms shove him back and he just barely caught himself. He looked up, his mouth falling open when he saw that it really wasn’t Julian. It was some stranger. Some stranger chatting up some random girl. What part of him had accepted so easily that Julian would do such a thing?

“What the fuck?!” This stranger was yelling in his face and Noel didn’t know what to do next. He’d done the wrong thing. He’d missed a beat, unsure of how to answer, and bone was smacking against his jaw. He stumbled backwards, catching himself again. His mind was jumbled. Where were his reflexes now? Noel considered faintly that they only knew how to work with Julian. But then the stranger’s fist was coming at him again and he just stared at it, not comprehending. It met his nose and he heard a crunching noise that rocked through him. He shook his head, looking around to find himself on the floor. He couldn’t remember feeling that impact.

“Fucking cunt!” The stranger yelled down at him. Had he been yelling at him this whole time? His brain was still frozen. He felt a sharpness in his side. Then another. Then another. Life came rushing back. He hadn’t noticed the music playing the entire time, either. The stranger had kicked him in his ribs. But he wasn’t hovering over him anymore. He looked around, struggling to support himself on his elbows. He found two green shirts, two heads of dark hair. “Oh fuck,” he thought, “now I’m seeing double, aren’t I?”

He narrowed his eyes, fighting to see better. No, that was the stranger there. And that… That was Julian. Julian holding the stranger’s shirt in one hand. Julian punching him in the face over and over with his other hand clenched in a fist. Noel tried to hold his focus on the scene, but it kept blurring. He felt his head lolling back, the music fading away again.

Noel felt something cool and moist pressing against his face. It took him a moment to remember how to open his eyes. A blur of colors slowly sharpened. He was looking up at the familiar white ceiling of the flat, Julian’s face taking up much of his vision. He was looking at something to his right, not noticing that Noel was now conscious. “Jules?” Noel whispered, his voice a bit raspy.

Julian looked down at him, meeting his eyes and smiling. “Hey. How do you feel?” Julian brought a wad of moist gauze to Noel’s face, dabbing around his nose.

Noel thought for a moment, willing his brain to bring him up to speed on his body’s condition. It didn’t feel great. “Sore,” Noel croaked.

“I bet,” Julian replied, grimacing but trying to keep a smile.

“What happened?” Noel asked.

“Well, I was sitting at a table near the bar, waiting for you. I heard this commotion and wandered over to find you in the middle of it. Of course. This guy was ready to explode. I pulled him away and got you out of there.” Julian shrugged, still dabbing at Noel’s face.

Noel’s mind worked back to what he could remember. He was sure that he’d seen him punching that man. But Julian wasn’t going to mention it. “How bad is it?” Noel asked after a few minutes of silence.

“You’ll be okay,” Julian began, taking a deep breath. “I’m surprised he didn’t break your nose. I guess you can only break it so many times.” He chuckled and Noel couldn’t help but smile. “Anyway, I couldn’t work out what you did to make this guy so angry. What happened?”

Noel’s face fell. He couldn’t work out anything clever to say, a rare occurrence for him. “Oh. Well, I thought it was you. You know, he was wearing that stupid green color too.”

Julian smiled, reaching beside him for fresh gauze. “So what did you do?”

Noel frowned, his eyes searching the air, hoping he’d left behind some words for himself to use in a situation like this. He came up blank, his gaze returning to Julian to find chocolate eyes looking very intently into his own. His mouth fell open and words were tumbling out. He had no control. His Julian Reflex must have kicked back in. “I kissed him. I thought you were chatting up a girl, so I walked up to you, and I kissed you. Only it wasn’t you,” he looked around awkwardly, “obviously.”

A flick of light shot through Julian’s eyes, fading away just as quickly as it’d come. He looked confused. “Why did you do that?”

Noel took a deep breath, wanting to find the right words for this. He sat up on the couch, feeling dull thuds reverberating through his ribs. He looked up again, finding Julian’s eyes. He knew no better comfort. “I love you.” There was no other way of saying it, really. “Julian,” he began again, watching intently as that light steadily grew in Julian’s eyes again, “I love you.”

Julian looked away, shaking his head, an awkward laugh coming out. “No, you said–”

“Fuck what I said,” Noel exclaimed, sitting up straighter and swinging his legs over the side of the couch. He gathered Julian’s hands into his own. “Julian,” he whispered, watching as he kept shaking his head back and forth, “Julian, look at me.”

Julian swallowed hard, casting his eyes slowly over to meet Noel’s. “I’m sorry I lied. I was… I was scared… I know that isn’t a proper excuse though.” Noel’s voice caught in his throat, his eyes pleading with Julian’s. “I’m in love with you, Jules. I am in love with you and I can’t make it go away.” His breathing picked up and he realized his heart was pounding against his chest. “I don’t want it to go away… Julian, I need you. Nothing feels right when you’re not around.”

He was looking back into Noel’s big, round eyes and he couldn’t find words. All of the walls he’d been carefully building that month, that had taken the comfort of red curtains, of brightly colored paintings, of Teacakes beside his pack of cigarettes on the shop counter to secure, crumbled. He turned his palms over, against Noel’s, and leaned forward. His lips met Noel’s in a soft kiss. They parted for a moment, and the need they’d been withholding burned, electricity branching out between them.

Julian’s hands flew up to Noel’s head and they were kissing deeply. Julian climbed forward, straddling Noel’s lap. Their lips met softly, but urgently, their minds floating miles above them. All that mattered was the moments they were creating. Noel turned, pushing Julian down onto the couch and lying on top of him. Julian grasped Noel’s face in one hand, the other smoothing under his shirt. Noel pushed back to remove it, throwing it over the back of the couch. Their lips met again and, like the first time, Julian’s hands wandered down Noel’s backside. His fingers crept beneath his waistband.

Noel was sitting up again, this time to yank Julian’s shirt away. He smoothed his palms over Julian’s bare chest, smiling into his eyes. Julian smiled back, reaching a hand up to push hair from Noel’s eyes. He stood up from the couch then, tugging at Julian’s hands. Julian stood up reluctantly. “Where are we going?”

Noel grinned. “Have you really forgotten that there’s a bed in this flat?”

Julian grinned back. “Oh, right.”

Noel walked determinedly behind the divider, Julian in tow. Noel sat down on the bed immediately and Julian smiled down at him. He undid Noel’s trousers, pulling them down timidly. Noel beamed up at him, leaning forward to undo Julian’s. He held his hips, kissing the skin at his waistline tenderly before pushing his trousers down to his ankles. Julian kicked them away. He pushed Noel back gently, laying on top of him and kissing down his neck. He felt Noel’s hands roaming around his torso, realizing they were just as hungry for each other.

“Noel,” he whispered against his skin. He kissed down Noel’s chest, coming to the big, purple bruise against his ribs. He ran his fingers over it, feather light. He licked at the skin just above Noel’s underwear. He thought about how many times he’d considered the soft skin that waited beneath his clothing. He smiled into him now, hoping he could say it was his now. He pulled Noel’s underwear off, relieved to have his entire body revealed to him now. He was doubly relieved to find that Noel was as hard as he was.

He climbed back up to kiss him, slipping his tongue into his mouth. Noel’s hands smoothed up his jaw line, coming up to hold his head in place. Julian smiled suddenly into Noel’s mouth. “What?” Noel asked, smiling back. Julian blushed. “Uh, I’ll be right back, okay?” Noel’s brow furrowed as Julian rolled off of him, standing and walking into the bathroom. He came back a moment later, lying back down next to Noel, holding a bottle of lubricant.

Noel burst out laughing. “When did you buy that?!”

Julian blushed a deeper shade of pink. “It was one of my errands that week Mike was here… Just in case.”

Noel grinned, snatching the bottle away from him. He popped the top off and poured some into his palm. He closed it and dropped it to the floor. Julian looked at him nervously. Noel sat up and, without pausing, yanked Julian’s underwear down and applied it to him. A moan escaped Julian’s lips and he smacked a hand over his mouth. But Noel was pushing the hand away, his lips meeting Julian’s, and he was moaning into him too. Julian grabbed at his waist, pushing him back down.

He positioned himself between Noel’s spread legs, and he felt confidence spread through him as he stared up into his eyes. He pushed in slowly, gasping at the warmth that met him. He stopped to catch his breath. He looked up at Noel and saw that his eyes were bulging slightly. “Am I doing this right?” Julian whispered.

Noel chuckled quietly. “Why are you asking me? Just come here.”

Julian obeyed, leaning forward to rest his palms on either side of him. He pushed in deeper, watching Noel’s face for any negative reactions. He kissed him briefly, Noel gasping again as they parted. Julian pulled out half way, and then slowly pushed back in. A split second of silence. “Mmm.” Julian’s heart skipped a beat, realizing he’d caused Noel to make that noise. He did it again, and found himself having the same reaction.

He began a steady rhythm, gaining more assurance as time passed on. He felt Noel clawing at his back, and that made his body arch. He was breathing heavily into his neck, watching beads of sweat drip down. He raked a hand through Noel’s hair, gripping a handful. Noel moaned louder, running his nails down Julian’s back harder. Julian groaned into his skin and found himself biting the flesh there tenderly. Noel gasped, and then he was pushing Julian back, rolling on top of him in a swift motion.

Julian’s eyes widened, surprised to find himself suddenly on bottom. Noel sat up, leaning back and gripping Julian’s thighs behind him. He lifted himself up carefully, bringing himself back down just as slowly. Julian’s breath caught painfully in his throat. Noel did it again, but faster, forcing more of Julian in. Julian shouted up at the ceiling and his hands flew up to grip Noel’s knees. Noel kept doing that; lifting himself and crashing back down. They were gripping each other, heads flung back to face the ceiling, filling the flat with their noise like every other night. But this night was clearly better.

Julian felt himself losing it. He gripped Noel’s arms, making him stop, and rolled back over onto him. He lifted Noel’s legs up to rest on his shoulders and began pounding into him. Noel was whining now, Julian having found his prostate. Julian couldn’t hold himself any longer. He released into Noel, his eyes rolling back a little as he felt his come fill him. He pushed Noel’s knees forward, allowing himself to collapse beside him.

Noel was grabbing his own hair with both hands. He looked over at Julian with a ravenous expression, in shock. Julian lay there, trying to catch his breath. He let his eyes fall back over Noel and sat up immediately. He straddled his legs and leant down without pause and Noel moaned, biting his lip, when he felt Julian’s mouth cover his erection. Julian took all of Noel in, still so hungry for him. He let his tongue explore his length, trying not to drag his teeth too heavily over the skin.

Noel yanked at Julian’s hair, and that hurt a bit. But it didn’t matter. He sped up his movements, one hand holding the base firmly. Noel was shouting and an idea flicked over Julian’s mind. His free hand flew to Noel’s balls. He massaged them softly, a contrast to what he was doing with his cock.

Noel’s face was contorted, strangled whines escaping him no matter how hard he bit down on his lip. He tasted blood on his tongue. He felt Julian suck deeply on the head and he was yelling into the air. He came into Julian’s mouth and his body went limp. Julian sat up, swallowing and wiping his mouth with his arm. He crawled up next to Noel, resting a hand to his face. He wiped the blood off his lip with his thumb. “I already cleaned you up once today,” Julian smiled. Noel laughed weakly, still catching his breath.

“Just… get the lights, okay?” Noel breathed. Julian scrambled to his feet, heading back out into the flat and flicking lights off. Before he walked back behind the divider, he paused, looking up at the windows. He walked over and shut the curtains, running his hands over them. He came back with a small ice pack, turning off the bedside lamp and climbing back into bed. “Here,” he said, handing it to Noel, “I don’t know which wound you’ll use it for, but there it is.” He stretched out onto his back and felt Noel lean into him. He felt drops of water drip on his chest now and then from the icepack. Noel’s arm was stretching over his body and he reached down to run a hand over his back, his eyes drifting shut.