Through the Haze

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What is it that Noel and Julian feel for each other? They can’t quite figure that out, or what they should do about it. These two have a long way to go together.

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Chapter Twelve

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Chapter Twelve

There was a mass of colors flowing behind Noel’s eyelids. He watched them like a movie, lost deep in the plot. They began dividing strangely though, and suddenly it was just an odd tinge of red. His face wrinkled up and he rolled over onto his side, shielding his face in scrunched up blanket. He opened them lazily after a moment, uncovering them slowly to look around.

Julian was stood at the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall by the windowsill with his arms crossed. The shade had been pulled back as far as it would go and the morning sun was blazing through the exposed window. He looked Julian up and down, studying his black button up shirt, his darkly tinted jeans, the stubble that covered his face in a carefully manicured way. “What you doing here?” he finally asked. Julian walked over to the side of the bed, sitting down in front of Noel and wiping the light film of perspiration from his head. He kept his hand there for a moment, holding back his fringe. Noel looked up at him with his brow furrowed, and he dropped it.

“Came to talk to you,” he said softly.

Noel sat up straighter, glancing around the room as a reflex. But something by the door caught his eye. “What’ve you got there?”

Julian pursed his lips, looking down at the bed and smoothing a hand over the blanket. “Just some of my stuff… We need to talk.” He cleared his throat.

Noel watched his fingers spread over the bed and he let out a shaky breath. “She kick you out or something? ‘Cause if you’ve got to move back in you’re on the couch now.”

Julian smiled sweetly, his eyes still cast down. “I don’t know if ‘kicked out’ is the right phrase,” he looked back up at Noel. “She… found out about us,” he almost posed it as a question.

Noel laughed quietly. “What, you told her that we were together before?”

“No. I didn’t tell her anything. She just… knew,” he said, laying weight in the final word.

Noel bit his lip thoughtfully. “Oh,” was all he could say. He crisscrossed his legs, running a hand through his hair to tousle it. “So it’s over then?”

Julian nodded. “But, not like that. Not… in the way you’re thinking,” he said, reluctant.

“What is it then, Jules?” he asked, leaning his chin into his palm, slightly irritated.

“Do you remember when I told you that I thought I loved you too much?” he asked, wincing.

“How could I forget, Julian,” Noel said, feeling suddenly wounded.

Julian’s face fell even further. “Listen, I know this isn’t worth anything right now. After all the shit I put you through, I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of it. I’ve been an absolute cunt, and I’m sorry. This isn’t something that I had any room to fuck up. But I did,” he paused, breathing in deeply through his nose and letting it out in a steady stream from his mouth, “You asked me once why I was ashamed of you. It would be easy to say that I was just afraid of coming out, being in a relationship with a man. But I’ve thought about it a lot, and that was never my nightmare,” he stopped, afraid of the seriousness of the conversation.

Noel looked down again to find Julian’s hands shaking slightly. He rested his own hands over his to steady them. “Keep going,” he whispered.

Julian steadied himself again, boring his eyes deeply into Noel’s. “I was afraid you’d get bored and move on once everyone knew,” he started.

“I’m not a whore,” Noel said, scowling.

“You know that’s not what I’m saying!” he stopped to get his words back in order, “I was embarrassed of that; embarrassed that you might just leave me. I’ve been wondering for the past seven years what I’d do when that happened. And being with you like this,” he grasped Noel’s hand firmly in his own, holding them up between their faces, “made it even worse… You’ve always outshone me, Noel. Ever since I met you. And I love that about you… But I’ve always expected you to move on.”

Noel’s mouth hung open loosely, ready to say something, but his mind ran blank. “So… What are you saying?” he managed.

“I’m saying that I’m an idiot! I love you. Wildly, just like I said before. And you love me. That’s it!” he finished, waving his free hand through the air for emphasis.

Noel unlatched their hands carefully. “Julian, I’m gonna need some time to think about this,” he shifted uncomfortably.

“…What?” Julian asked, stunned. When Noel didn’t answer he sat up straighter. “Right. Take the time you need,” he said slowly, rising from the bed.

Noel mussed his hair up again. “My parents asked me if I’d go on holiday with them. In the South of France. I think I will. That way, you can have the flat while I’m gone. And I can think about this.”

Julian nodded carefully, putting his hands in his pockets. “Alright.”

The air was still and everything felt moist from morning dew. The sun shined, slanted against Julian’s spot on the side of the building as he smoked. He still missed his old spot at the other flat. He kept a hand raised in front of his eyes so that he could watch Noel finish the sandwich in his hand. “You shouldn’t eat standing up,” he said.

“Why?” Noel asked mid-chew. Julian just shrugged, taking another drag on his cigarette. “I’d better get going,” Noel said after a moment. Julian sighed heavily, knowing that he was about to launch into his list of restrictions again. Well, it wasn’t really a list; it was just one very heavily underlined item: “Don’t call me. For any reason. Don’t call me,” Noel said, shaking his head, “I just need some time cut off from you. Feels a bit weird actually; first stretch of time without you in seven years.”

“I know. And you’ve told me already. I won’t call,” Julian said, handing his cigarette to Noel when he motioned for it. He took one deep drag before handing it back.

“Alright, I’m leaving,” he said, smile spreading across his face. They pulled each other into a brief hug. “See you in two months, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Julian nodded, returning his smile. He watched Noel pick his bags up from the concrete, give one solid nod, and disappear around the building. He waited patiently for gravity to disappear as he finished off his cigarette, for the world to fold and send him spiraling. But nothing happened. He ground it out and walked back up to the flat, feeling more confident than he had waking on the couch earlier.

It was around dusk that evening when it hit Julian that Noel was really going to be gone for awhile. He played on his guitar at first, hoping it would help. It just made him more restless. He set the guitar down in the corner and began pacing around the flat; back and forth, back and forth, until he thought he’d memorized the wood grains in the floorboards. Eventually he passed out on the carpet, headphones set crookedly on his ears and a CD playing on repeat.

He woke up in the early afternoon, groggy and unwilling to move. His mouth hung open and he groaned as he opened his eyes. This ceiling wasn’t as familiar as the old flat’s. They hadn’t done much laying about in this one, and Julian felt a tinge of regret over that now. But he was sure something was different about it today. He rubbed his eyes and sat up on his elbows, seeing that there was a scrap of paper taped above him.

Julian stood slowly, trying to catch his balance in his still-drowsy state. He reached up and snatched it down, then walked over to the table so he could sit down and read it.

“Jules–

If you found this, chances are you’re passed out on the floor, reminiscing like an idiot. Get fucked! Well no, don’t get fucked… But get a hobby while I’m gone, OK?

–Noely”

Julian glared down at his pointy script and pushed the note across the table, leaning back in his chair to rub some life into his face. ‘Get a hobby.’ “I’ve got hobbies,” Julian mumbled to himself. He rested his chin in his hand, looking up to study the large painting that hung above the table. It was of a small clearing in the middle of the rainforest, a cactus standing solitary on the bare patch of soil. The frame was filled with exotic fruits and vines that Julian was sure didn’t actually exist. There was a single pair of glowing eyes off in the corner that gave him the creeps. It just reminded him of catching glimpses of foxes as he passed alleyways at night. Noel had done it ages ago, during those hazy days they were locked away in the old flat, writing for the radio series.

Something flicked through Julian’s mind then, and he thought it could be a solid idea. He smirked, pulling his eyes from the painting. “Get a hobby,” he repeated, considering his thought once more. “Yeah,” he said finally, pushing back from the table.

Nearly a month had passed and Julian had let his stubble roam free. It probably couldn’t be referred to as stubble anymore. ‘Full beard’ was probably the better description. He also needed a haircut, but he hadn’t been paying attention to things like that. He sipped his coffee, keeping one bloodshot eye on the copy machine as it spat out another page.

It was another day of walking down to the nearest shop to have duplicates made of their script. At this point, he felt like he’d earned a PhD in copier machines. He dazedly picked up the stack once it had finished, slipping them into his bag and downing the rest of his coffee as he left the shop.

He turned into the corner café near the flat to buy more so that he wouldn’t topple over on his way upstairs. Just as he stepped into line, his cell phone vibrated violently in his pocket, making him jump and jostle the person ahead of him. “Sorry,” he said, too exhausted to sound sincere. He took his phone from his pocket, stepping back out onto the street. What was probably a solitary brain cell shouted from a small place in his mind, hoping it was Noel.

“Hello?” It wasn’t Noel. He rubbed his eyes harshly to wake himself. “Yeah… Yes… That’s great. No, that’s wonderful… Yes, let us know! Thank you… Alright, bye now.” He snapped the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket. A grin spread across his face as he picked his speed back up, and he immediately smacked into a light pole. “Fuck,” he said, rubbing his forehead, “I need to sleep first.”

It was the first time since Noel had left that Julian had gotten a decent night’s sleep. Or, in this case, a decent day’s sleep. It took fifteen hours of being passed out in the middle of the bed for his body to finally catch up to him. He stood in his trousers against the kitchen sink, holding a steaming cup of tea in one hand and feeling irregularly alert for what he was used to. It had been dawn when he’d finally been rested enough to move. He kept glancing up at the wall clock, paranoid of the time, and delving into a package of Wagon Wheels that Noel had left on the counter.

It was when he’d stepped out of the shower an hour ago that he’d gotten the call. Julian saw Steve’s number come across the screen and had let it ring three times, taking deep breaths and clearing his throat before answering.

As soon as he’d hung up he’d thrown his hands up in the air and was speechlessly excited for a good twenty minutes. Then he realized he had to call Noel. Was this an unspoken exception to his little restriction? Julian stood there, debating it in his head. He reached blindly for another biscuit to find the package empty. He sighed, tugging at his beard and finding crumbs there. “Could have a shave first,” he mumbled to himself, putting off the decision.

He stared at his phone sitting on the bureau as he buttoned up an orange patterned shirt. “Shit,” he exclaimed, snatching the phone as if it were about to disappear.

“Hello?’ Noel’s voice came crisply over the line.

“Hey! Listen, I know you told me a thousand times not to call–” Julian began in a rush.

“Oh my god, Julian, this is the first time I’ve had a signal this whole time, I really don’t give a fuck if you’re breaking the rule right now,” he said with an obvious grin in his voice.

Julian beamed, his excitement renewed. “Noel,” he said, almost tauntingly.

“What have you done?” Noel asked, giggling softly, “You’d better make it fast, I don’t know how long the line’ll hold.”

“We got a pilot,” he said, shifting excitedly in place. He heard air rush deafeningly through the line, Noel hollering in the background. He came back on a minute later.

“Really?” he asked, astounded. Julian could picture him tousling his red hair and grinning from ear to ear.

“Yes! Get your arse back here,” he said, the full force of the news hitting him now that he was celebrating with his partner in crime.

“I suppose I could come back a bit sooner,” Noel said, and Julian could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.