Losing my Addiction
Category: Real Person Fic
Characters: Julian Barratt, Mike Fielding, Noel Fielding, Other
Pairing: Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt
Genre: Choose Your Own Adventure, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Drug Use, Smut (graphic sex scenes)
Status: Complete
Length: 10-20k words
Where do you go when I sleep?
Contents
Where do you go when I sleep?
Author’s Notes: Thank you to Planetbanjo for betaing. Thanks to everyone who has commented. Don’t Own. No Money. Don’t do drugs.
Julian went home, lost in his thoughts, the buzz of cocame leaving faster than it had arrived. He tried not to despair; Noel could be a bit rash sometimes but his anger was generally quick to fade. He was hopeful that they could both be reasonable and sort this mess out by the morning.
Exhausted, he climbed into bed, but sleep was frustratingly evasive. Julian’s mind whirled with thoughts. He replayed what had happened in the bathroom, over and over. He wasn’t sure why Noel’s words had bothered him so much. Perhaps it was because the entire situation had been intense, but Noel’s domination had disturbed him. Julian was easygoing by nature but not submissive, and yet with Noel, Julian catered to his every whim. The little things didn’t bother him much, such as seeing the movie Noel preferred or going clothes shopping when all Julian really wanted to do was stay at home and write music. He did these things willingly because, honestly, making Noel happy was more important. But then the little things got bigger and the bigger things became greater and Julian ended up sacrificing more and more of himself for less and less a reward. Noel didn’t seem happy and they were spending less time together. What was the point?
Julian’s mind returned to the bathroom and what Noel had said. He remembered the effect the words had had on him, how vulnerable he’d felt. He’d become emasculated, not just because of the words or because he was in a submissive position, but also because of all the little occasions when he’d given up, all the times when Noel’s wants had taken preference over his own. It had all come crashing down on him at that moment and without a second thought he’d let Noel know exactly how frustrated he was with everything. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything, but that would just been delaying the inevitable. Ignoring the problem wouldn’t make it go away and probably would have made things worse in the long run. No, Julian surmised, he had done the right thing in telling Noel how he felt, even if the delivery was a little… untimely. With this thought in mind, Julian drifted into sleep.
He woke up feeling groggy and disorientated. He rubbed his hands across his face, trying to stave off the headache that was creeping up on him. Groaning, he climbed out of bed and checked the time. 08:21. It was way to early for his liking. Nevertheless he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get anymore sleep. He went about his morning ablutions in a daze, his mind slowly piecing together what he was going to say to Noel.
Julian got dressed and headed to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Sighing, he sat down on the couch with his mug and sipped at it slowly, debating whether he should phone Noel or wait for Noel to contact him. Finishing his coffee, he placed the cup in the kitchen sink and went back into the bedroom to get his mobile phone, hoping there would be a message from Noel. There usually was after they’d had a fight.
His phone was disturbingly message-less. No drunken voice mail, no angry text, just the fuzzy picture of the phone’s menu screen and the time. 08:57. His impatience won out and he decided to phone Noel. He wanted to sort things out now.
He dialled Noel’s number and waited for him to pick up. It clicked straight into voicemail. “Hiya. This is Noel’s phone. There’s gonna be a little beep in a few seconds, leave me a message after it, yeah?” Julian cancelled the call without leaving a message and decided to try Noel on his home number. The phone seemed to ring for the longest time and there was no answer. Julian frowned in annoyance. It wasn’t often that Noel was unreachable. Maybe he was still sleeping, or maybe he was too angry to answer. Julian tried Noel’s mobile one last time, just in case. There was still no answer, so Julian made himself another cup of coffee and slumped down on the couch, trying to decide what to do next. Should he wait until later to call again? What if Noel was purposefully not answering his phone? Maybe he had meant what he’d said last night and they really had broken up. Julian shook his head, refusing to believe it. Julian was anxious and he knew if he didn’t speak to Noel the situation would just get worse. He set down his half-finished cup of coffee, deciding to go over to Noel’s apartment and settle this properly. He really couldn’t sit here all day waiting.
Grabbing his keys, Julian went out the door, happy he had made a decision but still a little apprehensive about having to deal with Noel.
Julian stood outside Noel’s apartment wondering if he should just let himself in or knock first. He settled on knocking, reasoning that if Noel was still angry he wouldn’t appreciate Julian just barging in. He waited, feeling tense, but there was no answer forthcoming. He knocked again. After another further minute of waiting Julian gave up and decided to let himself in.
As soon as he’d opened the door, Julian sensed something was wrong. He entered, closing the door behind him.
“Noel?” He called.
The harsh morning light streamed through the window opposite the door. It was unusual for Noel to forget to close the blinds. The building next door was close, the window looking straight into his neighbour’s bedroom. Walking further into the apartment, the acrid smell of vomit filled Julian’s nostrils. He felt like he was in a trance, unable to walk faster than a snail’s pace, his sense of dread growing stronger. Making his way to the lounge, Julian saw a small, square and almost empty bag of white powder on the coffee table. Going further in, Noel came into view. Julian gasped. Noel lay collapsed on the floor, vomit pooling around him. His face was ghostly white, beads of sweat adorning his forehead.
Time seemed to speed up and Julian found himself kneeling next to Noel, cradling him in his lap, his knees wet with sick. Without thinking, Julian phoned an ambulance, his brain on autopilot. He didn’t notice the streaming tears down his face.
Julian sat by Noel’s hospital bed, holding his hand. Julian had hardly moved in the 36 hours he’d been there, only leaving Noel’s side to use the bathroom. Mike had visited earlier, along with Noel’s parents. They didn’t seem surprised by the way Julian watched over Noel, or the fact that wouldn’t let go of his hand. Perhaps their relationship wasn’t so secret, Julian mused. Noel was in a coma. He had overdosed on cocame and the large amount of the drug in his system had caused his brain to haemorrhage. The doctors didn’t know when he would wake up, but his vital signs were improving and they were optimistic. Julian had found him quickly so any long-term brain damage was unlikely. The vomiting, according to the doctor, was due to the large amount of alcohol he’d consumed that night and was ‘nothing to worry about.”
Still, Julian did worry. He worried that Noel wouldn’t wake up. He worried that if Noel did wake up, he would hate him. Hate him for the harsh words he’d said in the bathroom. Hate him for not being strong enough to stop Noel taking drugs. And Julian wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Julian blamed himself, why shouldn’t Noel?
Julian rested his head on the bed. He hadn’t slept since he’d found Noel and it was beginning to take its toll. Julian struggled to keep his eyes open, afraid of the images he saw whenever he closed them; images of Noel’s pale, lifeless body slumped across the floor surrounded by vomit.
Julian brought Noel’s hand to his lips, kissing the perfect skin, trying to reassure himself that Noel, if not awake, was at least alive. The skin was cool to the touch and incredibly smooth. Julian brushed his lips over it again. The hand twitched and he heard a coarse voice.
“Julian?”
Sitting up, Julian looked at Noel who was blinking sleepily.
“Noel?”
Noel’s hand curled around Julian’s and squeezed lightly. Julian squeezed back. Noel gave a weak smile, closing his eyes again.
“What happened?” Noel’s voice was soft now.
Julian gulped, momentarily lost for words. He still couldn’t believe Noel was awake.
“You, er…” Julian said, shaking his head as if trying to clear it. “You overdosed. Cocame. You were in a coma.”
“How long?”
“A day and a half.”
There was a long silence, both men trying to figure out what to say next. It was Julian who spoke first.
“Christ, Noel. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. You were right. I’ve… I’ve been such an idiot.” Noel’s voice broke on the last word, tears running down his face.
Julian moved from the chair to the bed and gathered Noel into his arms. He rocked Noel back and forth as he sobbed. Rubbing his hands over Noel’s back, Julian tried to calm his distressed lover by whispering soothing words of love and support.
Noel eventually calmed down, but still clung to Julian, whispering “I’m sorry” over and over. Julian tried hushing him, still running his hands over Noel’s back, comforting himself as much as Noel.
Noel pulled back so that he could look at Julian. He blinked the moisture from his eyes and sniffed.
“I need help, Julian.”
Julian bustled around his apartment, humming. Noel was coming home today after his month in rehab. Julian was excited, to say the least. The last month had been hard on him, his apartment felt cold and lonely without Noel there to brighten it up. Julian had also been having nightmares about the day he’d found Noel, waking up sweaty and scared, alone in his bed.
As if conjured by his thoughts, there was a rattle of keys in the lock as Noel opened the door. He stood in the doorway for a moment, unsure how to proceed after a month of absence. Then Julian was pulling Noel into a hug, gripping him tightly as if afraid that Noel would disappear.
Pulling back, he looked Noel up and down, greedily. Not much had changed in a month, how could it? But there was glow of healthiness about Noel that hadn’t been there a month ago.
“I’ve missed you,” Noel murmured.
Julian leaned forward and kissed Noel slowly, as if rediscovering the feel of his lover. Pulling away he said “I’m missed you too.”
Julian pulled Noel against him and closed the door.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.” Julian smiled.
“Yeah?”
“Mmm. In the bedroom.”
Noel pressed his body against Julian. “Ah, that kind of surprise.”
Julian led Noel into the bedroom. As Noel sat on the bed, Julian stood before him and began to strip slowly, teasing Noel as he did so. Noel ran his hands over Julian’s chest, sighing at the feeling of the skin beneath his fingers. Julian leaned into the touch slightly and then swatted the hands away and took a step back. Turning his back to Noel, Julian removed his trousers and revealed the pink pants he had bought over a month ago for their anniversary.
The silver, sparkly words “Property of Noel Fielding” flashed at Noel, who blinked in disbelief before falling back onto the bed in a fit of laughter. Noel laughed until his stomach hurt and tears streamed down his face. He calmed down eventually, wiping the tears from his face and propping himself up on his elbows.
“That’s fucking brilliant.” Noel chuckled.
“I bought them for our anniversary,” Julian admitted.
Noel frowned at this, looking away; ashamed with the way he had behaved on that night. Seeing Noel’s change in mood, Julian cupped Noel’s face, turning it so that he was looking at him.
“I’m so sorry, Julian.” Noel whispered, avoiding Julian’s eyes.
“Hey, it’s ok little man. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“But, I was so horrible.”
“Well, I forgive you.” Julian leaned forward and peppered Noel’s face with tiny kisses.
“I love you Noel. No matter what.”
“I love you too.” Noel lent up to whisper in Julian’s ear. “Make love to me.”
Smiling, Julian began removing Noel’s clothes, kissing every inch of skin. Once Noel was naked, Julian mapped out his body with his fingers, lips and tongue. He sucked Noel’s nipples until they were hard peaks and fondled his balls until his cock was aching with need.
Then Julian slipped off the bed, shimmied out of his pants and grabbed the lubricant. Getting back on the bed, Julian coated his fingers and with painstaking slowness prepared Noel. Slipping first one, then two fingers into Noel, he stretched him thoroughly, rubbing his prostate and coating him with the slick oil.
When Julian finally removed his fingers and settled between Noel’s leg, Noel was almost weeping with frustration and need. Julian entered him slowly, easing his way in like he had all the time in the world. Noel gasped at first, but by the time Julian was fully sheathed he was panting and moaning at Julian to move.
Julian set a slow, firm pace, stroking Noel’s prostate with practised position. Noel rocked his hips in time with Julian, urging him to go deeper with each thrust. Their bodies slid together, slicked with perspiration and Julian sped up his thrusts as he neared climax.
Reaching between them, Julian found Noel’s cock and pumped it steadily, slipping his thumb over the head, just how Noel liked it. Noel moaned and gasped; every bit of his body singing with pleasure. He wrapped his legs around Julian, pulling him closer. Noel came with a choked cry, splattering Julian’s hand and both their stomachs. Julian captured Noel’s lips with in his own and with a few more thrusts was coming deep inside Noel.
They stayed entwined in each other, both too exhausted to move as they gained their equilibrium. Noel was almost asleep when he felt Julian’s soft cock leave him as Julian made to lie next to him. He grumbled a bit, but was soon pacified as Julian pulled Noel against his chest, his hand splayed across his stomach.
Noel sighed contentedly. Things may not be perfect, and they still had a lot of stuff to work through, but at the moment it didn’t matter. He’d been told in rehab that he had to take one day at a time, and with days like this Noel didn’t really think that would be a problem.
