Blockade

Julian and Noel get writer's block while writing in America leading to all types of things I haven't dreamed up yet.

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Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Author’s Notes: Noel’s in control… on the outside anyways.


Julian awoke to cold water being flicked in his face repetitively. Noel had grown weary of waiting for him to wake on his own and preceded to taunt him like a child would a kitten. The first thing he could recognize visually was Noel’s smile, followed quickly by his eyes that seemed not to reflect like usual. They were empty.

The only true connection he felt to him at that moment was the purplish reminder of his fingerprints on Noel’s neck. The redness of his cheek receded but all Julian could see was a vandalized canvas. He couldn’t reconcile his guilt with the fear and anger he felt at the man currently tormenting him.

“Could you stop that?… I’m AWAKE!”

Noel desisted, left with the pleasure of watching him trying to get up from the bathtub. He had fallen back so harshly that his feet were dangling just off the ground and his shoulders hung up by his ears. There was no way to rise gracefully or effortlessly, Julian eventually settled on just lying there as Noel seemed to have no intentions of letting either of them leave.

Left without an exit, he decided to check his wounds. He could feel the bruises forming on his back and temple. It hurt when he blinked as a knot formed over his right eye.

Noel hadn’t said a word to him yet. He just sat, back on the door, knees tucked in front of him, knife at his side just beneath his anxious fingers. Julian tried to not to bring attention to the blade since Noel didn’t seem apt to use it. Not yet anyway. No need to remind him of his advantage anymore than it was already obvious.

Julian’s eyes shifted from the knife up to Noel’s bare chest and slowly upward until he caught his eyes again as he was hoping to see his friend there.

Not yet. He would have to engage this one instead. The silence was killing him. But what to say? He couldn’t really be angry for retaliation, he was expecting that, but he did not think this Noel was coming out to play. He wanted him to be frisky, not mental. And though he was truly concerned about what was happening to Noel, he had to wonder if he was going to make it out of this room.

The man sitting before him didn’t look like one with a plan. Yet he still wanted to know.

“What are you going to do me?”

“Well…” he sat up, fixing his posture exposing his porcelain skin and shaking his hair like he was very proud of what he was about to say “I have some ideas but I am more interested in what you think you deserve?”

That last word rung in Julian’s ears. He hadn’t forgotten what he had done to him, but he just couldn’t conceive how it had ended up here. All he wanted to do was spend the afternoon with him, be the only one with his attention, to be the receiver of his sideway glances and subtle touches. To be the reaction to his action.

But that ugly green characteristic barreled through to the forefront and now he was presented with all of the Hitcher tendencies buried deep in Noel. All the vileness he pooled into that persona was now aimed at Julian for pushing the wrong buttons, way too hard. He really couldn’t blame him.

Julian didn’t feel empty anymore.

He wanted so much to coerce the sweetness back out of Noel. To apologize and wrap his arms around him. To feel the pain he must have caused. He just wanted to go back. But he was forced to offer up an answer as he feared what Noel may come up with on his own if he continued to hesitate.

Full to the brim with emotion he swallowed and said, “Noel, I wanna say…”

“What was that?!” Noel stood to his feet quickly. “Speak up.”

“I want to say that I apologize.” Julian said it quickly unsure of his next move.

His head was beginning to throb and he was growing more and more uncomfortable in that position.

“You apologize. Well that’s nice but completely inconsequential because that is not what I asked you. Was it?”

Now Noel was at the edge of the bath, his hands on Julian’s knees. He had left the knife by the door. Julian gazed past his captor to notice.

“Oh don’t worry bout her, she does not want to hurt you. That’s me who wants that.” He dug his fingers into his knees.

“But I am not above being persuaded,” his eyes began to roam over Julian’s body that was only covered by an open shirt and pants. “So what is it, then?”

“I don’t know what I deserve. I don’t even know what I could suggest that would satisfy you. “ Noel’s eyebrow jerked at the word “satisfy.”

He liked Julian at his whim. Looking at the state of him, he seemed in a lot of pain already, so he thought of what else he could do. All of the violence he wanted to inflict not five minutes ago had seemed to subside as he watched an unconscious Julian. He fought through the hazy thoughts of broken mirrors, boiling hot water, cuts, carvings, bruises, and punches to remember what he was doing and the man he was thinking of doing it to. His emotions said none of that mattered and the pain grew and throbbed like an alarm. But his memories would not be quieted easily.

He wanted to hear Julian laugh again. He wanted to feel him touch him again, to feel close to him. To be in their world again together, not pitted against.

But the bastard hit you, in the face, and then left you on the floor. He didn’t even try to help you. He didn’t say sorry.

Yeah but he just did.

But is that good enough? Do you deserve that? Is he as much as you think he is?

The internal fighting could be seen all over his face as he tried to look away from peering, concerned gazes. He just wanted to stop. Noel knew that what was happening in his head could, no would, not end well for either of them if it got out into reality. If he began to speak it into existence but that seemed to be all that Julian wanted. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to crawl inside and make it all better like a band – aid, a pat on the head and a lollipop.

He leaned back against the cabinets, looking up towards the ceiling, hoping that counting tiles would slow his thoughts.

“Noel?”

“Shut it.”

He still sounded cold. As much as it scared him, he had to admit he liked feeling in control of the situation even if he didn’t feel in control of himself.

By the time he got to seventy-two, Noel realized that Julian was not interrupting with sighs or choked groans anymore. He slinked up next to the bathtub again to see Julian passed out, sleeping he assumed. His hair had fallen over his face and he seemed so relaxed.

Noel went to move his hair out of his face, when the black bruise of his temple was revealed to Noel’s astonishment. He began to shake Julian furiously to wake him up. He knew if he had a concussion that he could not sleep and now that he was feeling somewhat normal again, he did not want to be alone.

The cold water had worked before, so he turned on the faucet and the tub began fill with cool water slowly rising up Julian’s body.

He had to wake up. He had to wake up.

Why? He kind of had it coming didn’t he? Always acting like he knows us.

He does, you idiot. He knows us better than anyone and he is still here. Even after you made me knock him out with a knife handle, he was concerned. You are only around when things get tense and you make them worse. At least he tries to make them better, and even if he fails, it is okay because he tried to work with me and for the good of everything. You just like to make shit worse. You like to work against me, and I am you, you twisted fuck!

So why don’t you let him in?

“I don’t know.”

“No-No-Noel!”

The water was flooding the floor and Julian was shaking.

“I’m sorry.”

Julian couldn’t find words through his shivering but he just gave the best reassuring gaze he could muster as Noel rushed to turn off the water.

He stood to grab Julian’s robe and pulled the man out of the bathtub hoping neither of them would fall to the floor and hurt themselves anymore. That knife had to be floating somewhere on this floor but Noel was too concerned of the shivering body at his side to worry about it. They stepped lightly out the door wrapped around each other trying to stay upright.

Noel grunted, “Well, Mr. Barratt. You do seem regretful. And your black bruises are gonna match mine. Mine are coming in with a nice purple hue if I may so myself.”

This was the first time Julian actually felt like smiling since they came home but wasn’t sure if he should.

“Its okay…” Noel turned to glance at him and his hands moved up his chest to rest on his cheek. “You know, your jealous rage was turning me on til you went off and hit me. A lot fucking harder than I was expecting, Ju.” He lightly tapped his cheek making Julian smirk as they finally reached the bedroom.

They both felt more cognizant of the moment, of where they were.

They hit the unmade bed, sloppily, and locked eyes to stare at each other. They were unsure what to say. Not wanting to say much as it all seemed written all over each other. Julian smiled as the blue lights that take up residence in his eyes were starting to flicker again. He lifted his hand to Noel’s face, and he pulled away wincing. Julian dropped it and turned away.

“Sorry, Ju. Reflex.” He grabbed the large damp hand and placed it upon the tender flesh and tried to convince him that he wasn’t going to turn on him again.

“I thought I had lost you.”

“To Russ, come on don’t be–”“

“No, not him… to this.”

He grabbed Noel’s arm turning it to show him the scored wounds he had carved into himself, just deep enough to bleed.

“Oh shit!” He sat up and grabbed the nearest piece of fabric to wrap his forearm. He hadn’t felt a thing. His shoulders shook as he turned away from Julian completely. The collected blood slowly seeped through the green fabric of Julian’s discarded damp shirt and he remembered the words.

So why don’t you let him in?

He had done more damage to himself than Julian ever could, but yet he couldn’t face him. But before his thoughts had time to spiral on and collapse on top of themselves, Julian was on his knees in front of him, with a warm cloth in hands. Noel gasped then sighed as Julian gazed up at him with acceptance & love in his eyes.

“Come here.”